Accountability Accountaschmility
Mar 7, 2011 Sacrificial Followers
A couple weeks ago, I mentioned in one of my posts that “Often the way we use accountability is a stupid thing because it doesn’t actually accomplish anything. But if used well, it can be a powerful tool.” It was suggested that I devote an entire post to this topic and I planned on doing so…until I read these two posts by Tullian Tchividjian. He so nailed everything that I was thinking and more so I decided it would be better to just link to his posts.
Please take the time to read both of these…
Reminders are more effective than Rebukes
Tags: accountability, life groups, mentorship, repentance, sin
An Open Letter To Pastors
Feb 21, 2011 1 Timothy
During the course of Riv’s current series on 1 Timothy, I am blogging about stuff I can’t get to during the weekend services. Today, I am posting an open letter to my brothers who pastor in Jesus’ church around the world. This is going to be a longer post than normal but I feel like I have to address something and it’s going to take more than a few words to do so.
Speak to younger men as brothers…and younger women as sisters–with complete purity.-1 Timothy 5:1-2
Brothers-
I received an email yesterday that literally made me feel like I was going to puke. It was a friend of mine telling me a mutual friend had fallen into sexual sin with a member of his church staff and he was going to leave his family and move in with the other woman. This is the second of my friends to fall like this in the past couple weeks. Neither of these affairs were one time things, either. They had gone on for months and months.
After my stomach began to settle, I began to get pissed off. How could these men do something like this to their wives and families and churches? How could they do this to Jesus?
That’s when my third emotion kicked in: somberness. Each of these men were passionate and godly men who fell into sin. They join the ranks of many other men I have known who have done the same thing. At one point or another, I looked up to each of them. Some were brilliant communicators, other caring shepherds. They all loved being pastors, loved their families, and loved their churches. That’s why I became somber, because I couldn’t help but think “there but by the grace of God, go I.”
This morning when I woke up, I was angry again. This time at sin. I’m so mad that sin can topple years of hard work and devotion in an instant. At the same time, I take solace knowing that while individual men may fall, the gates of hell will not prevail against Jesus’ church.
So it is with these mixed emotions that I offer a list of suggestions for protecting yourself from this type of fall. I am not trying to be a legalist here, nor am I suggesting this is an exhaustive list. However, I want to strike while the iron is hot in my mind. Like any of you, I have the potential to fall into this type of sin. I want to “discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.” (1 Cor 9:27)
Keep your marriage bed hot. As the Psalmist has written, “Rejoice in the wife of your youth…let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” (Proverbs 5:19) If things are going well with your sex life with your wife, you are less likely to be tempted to stray. Make this one of your highest priorities.
Maintain your relationship with God. A lot of times pastors spend so much energy teaching others about the faith that their own begins to drift. Make sure you are “setting an example for the flock.” (1 Peter 5:3) Get time alone with God, be fervent in your prayers, study the Word and make it central in your life.
Don’t underestimate the power of sin in your own life. The Apostle Paul understood this deeply, which is why he wrote,
“I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.” (Romans 7:15–20)
Don’t underestimate the power of Jesus Christ’s atoning work on the cross and the Holy Spirit’s continuing work in your life. Paul continues his previous thought by saying,
“Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” (Romans 7:24-8:4)
Sin may be strong, but Jesus is stronger. He has already set you free! Now, through the Holy Spirit’s power, you can say “no” to the flesh.
Flee temptation. Many of us think we have to stand there and take temptation to prove we are a man. No! Flee temptation! Paul tells us to do so at least 4 times that I can think of (1 Cor 6:18 | 1 Cor 10:14 | 1 Tim 6:11 | 2 Tim 2:22). Here are some practical ways to flee sexual temptation. Many people say these rules go too far, I think they are wise.
- Never have lunch alone with a woman (except with members of your immediate family, of course).
- Never ride alone in the car with a woman.
- Never meet alone with a woman unless the door is open, you have windows people can see through, etc.
- Never counsel a married woman alone without her husband more than one time.
- If you find yourself drawn to a woman (physically, mentally, or emotionally), avoid her.
- Don’t have close female friends if you are not also friends with her husband.
- Be careful with physical and verbal affection. If it can be misconstrued, don’t do it.
- Install OpenDNS on your home and church computer networks and XXXChurch accountability software on all your computers.
Give your wife full access. Make sure your wife has all of your passwords to your email accounts and Facebook. Encourage her to log into your account and snoop around. If you feel like you need privacy, ask yourself why you feel that way. I guarantee the answer isn’t a good one. You are trying to hide something–repent and give your wife the passwords.
Be careful on Facebook. In the last few weeks, I have heard about two different people I know who have rekindled old flames on Facebook–that’s the obvious danger. The more subtle danger is the photos. Many women don’t think about the impact of some of the racier photos they post and it’s easy to become a voyeur. It’s better to just stay away from the photo pages all together.
Get accountable. Often the way we use accountability is a stupid thing because it doesn’t actually accomplish anything. But if used well, it can be a powerful tool. It is a way for brothers to help each other. Confess your temptations to a trusted friend (a co-pastor is the perfect person because they understand). Tell them when you are being tempted, when you find someone in your congregation or staff attractive, etc. Give them access to your computer, phone, etc, to check up on you when they feel like it. Give them permission to aggressively check up on you.
Finally, I want to challenge all of us to Pray for One Another. This is a battle we are in and “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.” (Eph 6:12–13)
I love you brothers. Stand firm.
Noel
Tags: adultery, elders, husbands, leadership, manliness, mentorship, prayer, repentance, sex, sin, wives
Mentors and Heroes
Oct 18, 2010 Uncategorized Hodge Podge
I remember having lunch with an older guy when I was in college. I didn’t know him very well, but his commitment to Jesus was evident. At the end of our lunch, I asked him if he would mentor me. To my shock, he said, “no.” I was floored. I mean, who wouldn’t want to mentor someone? Of course, in my youthful naivete, I assumed this guy was just making excuses when he said he didn’t have the time. I felt burned.
It’s taken 20 years, but I can now identify with that guy because now I am him. I get asked all the time to mentor younger guys and I can’t say yes to everyone…I just don’t have the time. So I have to do the same thing he did–try to graciously say “no.” It still burns.
Perhaps that’s why I was so struck by this post from Seth Godin. Here’s a snippet:
Mentors provide bespoke guidance. They take a personal interest in you. It’s customized, rare and expensive.
Heroes live their lives in public, broadcasting their model to anyone who cares to look.
The internet has created a long tail of heroes. There are tens of thousands of musicians, artists, entrepreneurs, social leaders, politicians (okay, maybe not thousands of these), coders and colleagues to find and emulate…
Like a custom made suit, a mentor is a fine thing to have if you can find or afford it. But for the rest of us, heroes will have to do.
I have had both in my life. I have had men who have mentored me for a season (it could be over the course of one lunch or 300 consecutive meetings). I have also had heroes I could watch from afar.
I encourage you to find a mentor if you can. But whether or not you can, I encourage you to find heroes: men and women from whom you can learn from afar. You may never meet them face to face, they may never know your name, but they can have a profound impact on your life as you watch and learn.
Tags: hero, leadership, mentorship, productivity
Mentor Week
Mar 15, 2010 The Team
A few years ago, I blogged about people who had mentored me that year (with or without realizing it). It was a good exercise for me for two reasons.
1. It helped me be thankful for people God has placed in my life each season.
People come in and out of our lives. When we meet someone new, we are often excited about the new friendship, influence, etc. It’s a cool season. But then sometimes they leave our lives. We tend to think of this as a bad thing, but it really can be a good thing. We all have a limited amount of bandwidth. Time to invest in relationships, time to read and study, time to interact with others is limited. When a person (for whatever reason…be it intentional or not) leaves our lives, it creates space.
That space can be filled with others.
Often that void can be filled with new voices that are significant for the new season of life we are in. In that sense, our mentors change constantly and that is a good thing.
2. It reminded me to pour my life into others.
Sometimes I delude myself into thinking I’m too busy to invest my life in other people.
When I think about the people who have poured into my life, it reminds me of the importance of doing the same thing. And when I think of those who have influenced me, it reminds me that each type of mentorship is different. I can mentor tons of people simply by blogging and offering resources online. I can invest in a fair amount of people with quick phone calls / email conversations and I can invest in a select few with regular personal time.
I need to make sure mentoring stays a part of my life.
So I’ve decided to do it again and this time, I’m going to dedicate a week worth of posts to these mentors.
Before I get started, quick question for you: who are your mentors?
Tags: mentorship
