Review of “Real Marriage,” by Mark and Grace Driscoll
Dec 7, 2011 1 Corinthians, Book Reviews
Two weeks ago at Riv, I quoted from three fantastic books on the topic of marriage. I have already reviewed two of the books (Sheet Music by Kevin Leman and The Meaning of Marriage: by Timothy and Kathy Keller) and today I am reviewing the final book, Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll.
Overview
If you Google my name, one of the top responses will be an interview I gave the late Michael Spencer about Mark Driscoll back in 2007.* In this interview, we talked about Driscoll’s confession of exhaustion, health problems, and how his growing church was affecting him personally. At the time, I was encouraged that he appeared to be taking steps to make sure his ministry had longevity. In Real Marriage, Driscoll gives a behind the scenes look at his life during that season and the impact it had on his marriage. Further, he details the steps he and his wife took to make sure their marriage and ministry didn’t go down the tubes. As a public figure, he lays his life honestly on the table (likely facing unfair scrutiny) in order to help anyone who is willing to pick up the book.
Real Marriage is the perfect second punch to the Kellers’ first we looked at last week. In fact, I would recommend that couples consider reading these books back to back. The Kellers really help us understand why we have marriage in the first place and what a Christian marriage should look like. The Driscolls pick up at this point and give biblical advice on how to develop that type of marriage.
The similarities between these books are striking, even as their styles are world’s apart. Each emphasizes the need for both an emotional / spiritual relationship (being best friends) and a intimate physical relationship (being lovers). They both tackle selfishness head on and expose it as the #1 enemy of marriage. Driscoll’s chapter on “Selfish Lovers and Servant Lovers” is the best chapter on marriage I have ever read. Most struggling couples I have counseled merely need to read these pages again and again and repent of their selfish ways.
What did I like most about the book?
This book is unabashedly Biblical. Mark and Grace present the unvarnished truths of Scripture in language that is very accessible to both men and women. They challenge married couples to up their game without piling on the guilt. The fact that they are willing to lay their own marriage on the altar of public criticism makes their message all the more palatable for even those who would criticize them. I suspect that even those who don’t follow Jesus would find their challenges compelling. A short section on fighting as friends is worth the price of the book alone.
The Driscolls spill a good amount of ink on the topic of sex in Real Marriage. These sections are very frank, but not crass (which is a delicate balance often missed this days). The chapter on porn is the single best chapter on that issue I have ever read and I recommend it to any man (or woman for that matter) who struggles in this area.
Would I recommend the book?
Absolutely. Pre-order it today since it doesn’t come out until January. Read the Kellers’ book first, then dive into this one after the holidays.
Key Quotes (These are from an Advance Reader’s Copy. When the final copy of the book comes out, I will edit this section with any changes.)
“It is common to hear married people speak of ‘falling out of love’ with their spouses, and ‘falling in love’ with someone else in adultery. In using the language of ‘falling’ they are cleverly avoiding any responsibility, as if they were simply required to follow their hearts.”
“…the husband gets to decide when he feels disrespected, and the wife needs to honor that. And the wife gets to decide when she feels unloved, and the husband needs to honor that.”
“You will sin against your spouse, and your spouse will sin against you. Couples who claim to never fight are either lying or living completely passionless, independent, parallel lives, so emotionally distant that hurting each other is virtually impossible. You will fight. The question is, will you fight well to the glory of God and the good of your marriage?”
“Much like a sexual predator who grooms the young and naive, pop culture with its increasing pornification is grooming young people for sexual sin and sexual assault.”
* – In the years since the Michael Spencer interview, I have had the privilege of getting to know Mark and Grace personally and ironically Mark’s advice has helped me to fine tune (and even change) some of the opinions on church ministry I expressed in that interview.
Resources
Buy this book on Amazon.com
Review of “The Meaning of Marriage,” by Timothy and Kathy Keller
Nov 30, 2011 1 Corinthians, Book Reviews
Last weekend at Riv, I quoted from three fantastic books on the topic of marriage. I have already reviewed one of the books (Sheet Music by Kevin Leman) and I will review another (Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll) next Wednesday. Today’s review is of The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God
The Meaning of Marriage Trailer from Redeemer City to City on Vimeo.
Overview
There’s nothing in the Bible about how schools should be run, even though they are crucial to a flourishing society. There’s nothing there about business corporations or museums or hospitals. In fact, there are all sorts of great institutions and human enterprises that the Bible doesn’t address or regulate. And so we are free to invent them and operate them in line with the general principles for human life that the Bible gives us. But marriage is different…At the climax of the Genesis account of creation we see God bringing a woman and a man together to unite them in marriage. The Bible begins with a wedding (of Adam and Eve) and ends in the book of Revelation with a wedding (of Christ and the church). Marriage is God’s idea.
With these words, the Kellers dive into a book rich with historical perspective, Biblical fidelity, and a practical understanding of our culture’s view of marriage. If I were to hand this book to a couple to read, it would be with the words, “this is why we have marriage.” The Kellers mince no words when they discuss God’s high view and standards for marriage. But their words don’t come across as naive; instead, they are full of the recognition that “marriage is glorious but hard. It’s a burning joy and strength, and yet it is also blood, sweat, and tears, humbling defeats and exhausting victories.”
What did I like most about the book?
This book is absolutely saturated with the Gospel. It practically leaks with the understanding that we are unable to save ourselves (and therefore build or sustain a godly marriage) but that our victory and the hope of marriages rests in the person and work of Jesus. I have often commented that I don’t know how non-Christians stay together in marriage; this book gave me a deeper understanding that the Gospel gives us more than an ability to stay together, but an ability to thrive together.
Would I recommend the book?
Unreservedly and passionately.
Key Quotes
I’ve heard them say over and over, “Love shouldn’t be this hard; it should come naturally.” In response, I always say something like, “Why believe that? Would someone who wants to play professional baseball say, ‘It shouldn’t be so hard to hit a fastball?’ Would someone who wants to write the greatest American novel of her generation say, ‘It shouldn’t be hard to create believable characters and compelling narrative?’”
“Whether we are husband or wife, we are not to live for ourselves but for the other. And that is the hardest yet single most important function of being a husband or a wife in marriage.”
“If two spouses each say, ‘I’m going to treat my self-centeredness as the main problem in the marriage,’ you have the prospect of a truly great marriage.”
Mating Rituals
Nov 28, 2011 1 Corinthians
This past weekend at Riv, we talked about Marriage and Divorce. For some reason, I find this video quite inspiring and it fit well with what we covered.
Enjoy!
Review of “Sheet Music,” by Kevin Leman
Nov 9, 2011 1 Corinthians, Book Reviews
To prepare for the current section of 1 Corinthians we are working through at Riv, I have been reading a few books on sex, marriage, and divorce. For the next couple weeks, I will dedicate my Wednesday book reviews to these books.
Today’s book is Sheet Music by Kevin Leman.
What did I like most about the book?
This is a book I wish I had read before getting married. It’s an incredibly straight-forward treatment of the role of sex in marriage. It is very graphic, but it is not crass. The author is a Christian and he treats this sensitive and personal topic with humor, directness, and most importantly biblical fidelity.
I have met with many couples who feel like the struggles in their sex lives are unusual, but they are not. This book clears up the issues 90% of couples bring to me regarding sex. The difficult part for some will be to follow Leman’s advice because they still feel like their situation is unique and therefore his message does not apply to them.
What did I like least about the book?
There are only two things that give me concern in recommending Sheet Music.
The first is the author’s view on masturbation. He is of the opinion that it can be a healthy thing within the context of marriage (if used to help the sex life of the couple). Unfortunately, so many men struggle with lustful thoughts during masturbation that it is too difficult for them to do this in a God-honoring way. While Leman does mention this, I wish he would have taken more time to make this clear.
Secondly, he sets up what he considers an ideal number of times a couple should have sex every week. My experience is that each couple has their own ideal number and his may put inappropriate pressure on couples who think differently about frequency. I always advise couples to have more sex than the person who wants it less and less sex than the person who wants it more. That seems to be a better way of determining an ideal frequency than an arbitrary number.
Would I recommend the book?
Every married and engaged couple should read this book, especially if they struggle with their sex lives.
Key Quotes
“A couple’s sex life is usually a microcosm of the marriage. Every now and then a couple has a great sex life with a poor marriage, but this is the rarity, something you see only every couple of years. Most often, if the marriage is on the rocks, sex will follow it to the bottom.”
“A woman minimizes a man when she says that all he cares about is sex; she betrays her ignorance about the complexity of a man’s soul and the interconnectedness of our spirituality and physical being.”
“Now, if talking to your husband, I would remind him that one of the all-time great biblical lines is “Love does not demand its own way” (1 Corinthians 13:5). When a guy tries to use 1 Corinthians 7 to get his wife to do something kinky or distasteful to her…give me a break! That’s not what Paul is talking about. Just as Paul tells us we have sexual obligations within marriage, in the same book he insists that love does not demand its own way. In short, men, you don’t force, ever.”“A national study of over 1,800 married couples indicated that the probability of getting a divorce was twice as high for couples who had cohabited prior to marriage compared to those couples who had not. In addition, cohabitation prior to marriage related to lower levels of subsequent marital interaction and higher levels of marital disagreement and instability.”
Resources
Buy this book on Amazon.com
Thoughts on the Marriage Bed
Nov 7, 2011 1 Corinthians
Sex.
There are few topics that are trickier to teach on in the church.
As I walked to the stage at Riv this past weekend, I knew I would be addressing miserably married couples, adulterers, virgins, porn addicts, engaged couples, and happily married couples to mention just a few. And they all have one thing in common: it’s as uncomfortable for them to hear me talk about their sex lives as it is for me to do it.
It’s funny that in a culture that is so obsessed with sex, we find it difficult to honestly talk about it in the church. Quite frankly, there is no better place since we worship the God who invented the thing.
I snuck a peak at my email and Facebook messages last night (something I try not to do until Tuesday) to see if the email traffic matched the in person conversations I had this weekend… It did.
I had the requisite conservative Christians who were concerned I talked too frankly.
I had the standard response from the parent of a gay man who emails me each time sex is mentioned during the sermon.
But the overwhelming response seems to be coming from two groups of people:
Young people who are making big time commitments to sexual purity. - It has been incredibly encouraging to hear the stories from single people, dating couples, and engaged couples who spent time this weekend crafting plans to keep their marriage bed pure. Most inspiring are those who have been sexually active but are taking the Bible’s words to heart and are making a change.
Old married people who said, “Amen!” – A stream of married couples shared both their stories of failure and their stories of success. The constant refrains were, “I wish I had heeded this message,” “I wish I had heard this message,” or “I am so glad to be married to my best friend who I get to have a lot of sex with!”
What an exhausting and encouraging weekend. And it’s just the start; we have three more messages to go dealing with singleness, marriage, and divorce. I’m looking forward to seeing what God does at Riv through his Word.
If you didn’t get a chance to hear this weekend’s message on sex, you can download the audio here or watch the video here.
Tags: homosexuality, husbands, marriage, marriage bed, sex, wives
An Open Letter To Pastors
Feb 21, 2011 1 Timothy
During the course of Riv’s current series on 1 Timothy, I am blogging about stuff I can’t get to during the weekend services. Today, I am posting an open letter to my brothers who pastor in Jesus’ church around the world. This is going to be a longer post than normal but I feel like I have to address something and it’s going to take more than a few words to do so.
Speak to younger men as brothers…and younger women as sisters–with complete purity.-1 Timothy 5:1-2
Brothers-
I received an email yesterday that literally made me feel like I was going to puke. It was a friend of mine telling me a mutual friend had fallen into sexual sin with a member of his church staff and he was going to leave his family and move in with the other woman. This is the second of my friends to fall like this in the past couple weeks. Neither of these affairs were one time things, either. They had gone on for months and months.
After my stomach began to settle, I began to get pissed off. How could these men do something like this to their wives and families and churches? How could they do this to Jesus?
That’s when my third emotion kicked in: somberness. Each of these men were passionate and godly men who fell into sin. They join the ranks of many other men I have known who have done the same thing. At one point or another, I looked up to each of them. Some were brilliant communicators, other caring shepherds. They all loved being pastors, loved their families, and loved their churches. That’s why I became somber, because I couldn’t help but think “there but by the grace of God, go I.”
This morning when I woke up, I was angry again. This time at sin. I’m so mad that sin can topple years of hard work and devotion in an instant. At the same time, I take solace knowing that while individual men may fall, the gates of hell will not prevail against Jesus’ church.
So it is with these mixed emotions that I offer a list of suggestions for protecting yourself from this type of fall. I am not trying to be a legalist here, nor am I suggesting this is an exhaustive list. However, I want to strike while the iron is hot in my mind. Like any of you, I have the potential to fall into this type of sin. I want to “discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.” (1 Cor 9:27)
Keep your marriage bed hot. As the Psalmist has written, “Rejoice in the wife of your youth…let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” (Proverbs 5:19) If things are going well with your sex life with your wife, you are less likely to be tempted to stray. Make this one of your highest priorities.
Maintain your relationship with God. A lot of times pastors spend so much energy teaching others about the faith that their own begins to drift. Make sure you are “setting an example for the flock.” (1 Peter 5:3) Get time alone with God, be fervent in your prayers, study the Word and make it central in your life.
Don’t underestimate the power of sin in your own life. The Apostle Paul understood this deeply, which is why he wrote,
“I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.” (Romans 7:15–20)
Don’t underestimate the power of Jesus Christ’s atoning work on the cross and the Holy Spirit’s continuing work in your life. Paul continues his previous thought by saying,
“Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” (Romans 7:24-8:4)
Sin may be strong, but Jesus is stronger. He has already set you free! Now, through the Holy Spirit’s power, you can say “no” to the flesh.
Flee temptation. Many of us think we have to stand there and take temptation to prove we are a man. No! Flee temptation! Paul tells us to do so at least 4 times that I can think of (1 Cor 6:18 | 1 Cor 10:14 | 1 Tim 6:11 | 2 Tim 2:22). Here are some practical ways to flee sexual temptation. Many people say these rules go too far, I think they are wise.
- Never have lunch alone with a woman (except with members of your immediate family, of course).
- Never ride alone in the car with a woman.
- Never meet alone with a woman unless the door is open, you have windows people can see through, etc.
- Never counsel a married woman alone without her husband more than one time.
- If you find yourself drawn to a woman (physically, mentally, or emotionally), avoid her.
- Don’t have close female friends if you are not also friends with her husband.
- Be careful with physical and verbal affection. If it can be misconstrued, don’t do it.
- Install OpenDNS on your home and church computer networks and XXXChurch accountability software on all your computers.
Give your wife full access. Make sure your wife has all of your passwords to your email accounts and Facebook. Encourage her to log into your account and snoop around. If you feel like you need privacy, ask yourself why you feel that way. I guarantee the answer isn’t a good one. You are trying to hide something–repent and give your wife the passwords.
Be careful on Facebook. In the last few weeks, I have heard about two different people I know who have rekindled old flames on Facebook–that’s the obvious danger. The more subtle danger is the photos. Many women don’t think about the impact of some of the racier photos they post and it’s easy to become a voyeur. It’s better to just stay away from the photo pages all together.
Get accountable. Often the way we use accountability is a stupid thing because it doesn’t actually accomplish anything. But if used well, it can be a powerful tool. It is a way for brothers to help each other. Confess your temptations to a trusted friend (a co-pastor is the perfect person because they understand). Tell them when you are being tempted, when you find someone in your congregation or staff attractive, etc. Give them access to your computer, phone, etc, to check up on you when they feel like it. Give them permission to aggressively check up on you.
Finally, I want to challenge all of us to Pray for One Another. This is a battle we are in and “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.” (Eph 6:12–13)
I love you brothers. Stand firm.
Noel
Tags: adultery, elders, husbands, leadership, manliness, mentorship, prayer, repentance, sex, sin, wives
My Funny Valentine
Feb 14, 2011 Uncategorized Hodge Podge
In honor of Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d publicly post the answer I gave to someone who Facebooked me this question after the God’s Will Conference at Riv:
How did you know you were supposed to marry your wife?
My answer?
In a nutshell? She was wise, godly, hilarious, and hot and I liked hanging out with her. She’s my best friend.
By the way…if you want to see the entire picture from above (including the person I cropped out), head over to Facebook.
Tags: husbands, love, marriage, valentine's day, wives
Act Like Men
Feb 7, 2011 Uncategorized Hodge Podge
Guys…mark your calendars for March 5, 2011.
On that day, Dan and I will be traveling to Columbus Ohio to take part in the Act Like Men conference and I think you should join us. Trust me…it will be worth the drive.
THE PURPOSE of Act Like Men is to challenge men to fight for the radical transformation of the gospel of Jesus Christ in their personal lives. This will include examining how Jesus expects men to take responsibility and lead in their homes, their families, their churches, and culture; to be responsible and honor Christ in their use of time and their finances, and to be wise in career and life decisions. The Apostle Paul exhorted the men in the Corinthian church to be watchful, to stand firm in the faith, to act like men, and to be strong (1 Corinthians 16:13). Above all, men will be challenged to examine their lives and to kill sin wherever the Holy Spirit makes it known through conviction.
THE THEME of this year’s conference is ‘CULTIVATE: Godliness is Manliness.’ Men were created to cultivate, starting with our father Adam. We are still called to cultivate our wives, our children, our work, our churches, and our own souls and minds. At Act Like Men 2011 we are going to be challenged by our speakers to strive to instill rhythms in our lives in order to fulfill, by God’s grace, our call to cultivate.
Manly Links
Jun 23, 2010 Uncategorized Hodge Podge
Here are some manly links related to this past weekend’s message at Riv.
True and False Manliness by James Freeman Clarke, 1886
Twisted Gender by Reid Monaghan
Pastor Dad by Mark Driscoll
Resolving Conflict in Marriage – Gerry Breshears
Help with Porn – Here are some links to help you keep your home porn free
Nuclear Family Questions: What if my spouse isn’t a Christian?
Jun 16, 2010 Uncategorized Hodge Podge
During the course of the Nuclear Family series at Riv, I am taking questions via Text Message and trying to incorporate as many of the questions as I can into my messages. Some of the questions that I can’t get to, I will try to blog about. Today, I tackle this common question:
How can I have a Gospel Centered Family if my spouse is not a Christian?
Before I answer this question, I want all single people to go back and read the question again. Did you do it? That’s an important question for you to consider before you get into a serious relationship with someone. I have met so many dating couples where only one of them is a believer. They think their love, commitment, etc., will be enough to carry them through even though they disagree about Jesus. But once you are married a few years, once you have kids in the picture, everything changes. So many people (especially young women) think that their significant other will eventually come around. “He has really taken some huge steps,” they will say.
Please please please hear me on this one: if your boyfriend or girlfriend is not a Christian and you are, end the relationship. Jesus is more important and while the breakup will be painful now, it will be much more painful if you get married, start having babies, and are together for years. That’s why this question come up so often!
But let’s assume for a second you didn’t get this advice and now you are married to a non-Christian. What do you do? Well, Paul addressed this very topic in 1 Corinthians 7:
If a Christian man has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. And if a Christian woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.) Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you?
1 Corinthians 7:12–16 NLT
The bold part in the end is the key. You, as the Christian husband or wife, model a Christian relationship in the home even though your spouse is not a believer. As you do this, you paint a picture for them to see. Let’s think about this for a second from both sides.
A Christian husband loves his non-Christian wife the way Jesus loves the church. He lays his life down for her, he leads the family with love and tenderness, he reads the Word in front of and to his children, he is faithful to his wife (having only eyes for her), he takes the family to church, etc. This unselfish way of living is a beautiful picture of Jesus and the church for his wife to see.
A Christian wife respects and submits to her non-Christian husband the way the church submits to Jesus. She is respectful in her attitude toward him, she reads the Word to her children and prays for them, she joyfully has sex with her husband when he needs it, she stands firm for what the Word teaches and gently communicates this to her husband when he disagrees. This attitude is a great picture of the Gospel for her husband to see.
In both situations, the goal is that the unbelieving spouse would become a Christian. It is done through living the kind of life Jesus would call you to live and playing your role in the family without pushing your spouse into playing theirs.
