Review of “Real Marriage,” by Mark and Grace Driscoll
Dec 7, 2011 1 Corinthians, Book Reviews
Two weeks ago at Riv, I quoted from three fantastic books on the topic of marriage. I have already reviewed two of the books (Sheet Music by Kevin Leman and The Meaning of Marriage: by Timothy and Kathy Keller) and today I am reviewing the final book, Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll.
Overview
If you Google my name, one of the top responses will be an interview I gave the late Michael Spencer about Mark Driscoll back in 2007.* In this interview, we talked about Driscoll’s confession of exhaustion, health problems, and how his growing church was affecting him personally. At the time, I was encouraged that he appeared to be taking steps to make sure his ministry had longevity. In Real Marriage, Driscoll gives a behind the scenes look at his life during that season and the impact it had on his marriage. Further, he details the steps he and his wife took to make sure their marriage and ministry didn’t go down the tubes. As a public figure, he lays his life honestly on the table (likely facing unfair scrutiny) in order to help anyone who is willing to pick up the book.
Real Marriage is the perfect second punch to the Kellers’ first we looked at last week. In fact, I would recommend that couples consider reading these books back to back. The Kellers really help us understand why we have marriage in the first place and what a Christian marriage should look like. The Driscolls pick up at this point and give biblical advice on how to develop that type of marriage.
The similarities between these books are striking, even as their styles are world’s apart. Each emphasizes the need for both an emotional / spiritual relationship (being best friends) and a intimate physical relationship (being lovers). They both tackle selfishness head on and expose it as the #1 enemy of marriage. Driscoll’s chapter on “Selfish Lovers and Servant Lovers” is the best chapter on marriage I have ever read. Most struggling couples I have counseled merely need to read these pages again and again and repent of their selfish ways.
What did I like most about the book?
This book is unabashedly Biblical. Mark and Grace present the unvarnished truths of Scripture in language that is very accessible to both men and women. They challenge married couples to up their game without piling on the guilt. The fact that they are willing to lay their own marriage on the altar of public criticism makes their message all the more palatable for even those who would criticize them. I suspect that even those who don’t follow Jesus would find their challenges compelling. A short section on fighting as friends is worth the price of the book alone.
The Driscolls spill a good amount of ink on the topic of sex in Real Marriage. These sections are very frank, but not crass (which is a delicate balance often missed this days). The chapter on porn is the single best chapter on that issue I have ever read and I recommend it to any man (or woman for that matter) who struggles in this area.
Would I recommend the book?
Absolutely. Pre-order it today since it doesn’t come out until January. Read the Kellers’ book first, then dive into this one after the holidays.
Key Quotes (These are from an Advance Reader’s Copy. When the final copy of the book comes out, I will edit this section with any changes.)
“It is common to hear married people speak of ‘falling out of love’ with their spouses, and ‘falling in love’ with someone else in adultery. In using the language of ‘falling’ they are cleverly avoiding any responsibility, as if they were simply required to follow their hearts.”
“…the husband gets to decide when he feels disrespected, and the wife needs to honor that. And the wife gets to decide when she feels unloved, and the husband needs to honor that.”
“You will sin against your spouse, and your spouse will sin against you. Couples who claim to never fight are either lying or living completely passionless, independent, parallel lives, so emotionally distant that hurting each other is virtually impossible. You will fight. The question is, will you fight well to the glory of God and the good of your marriage?”
“Much like a sexual predator who grooms the young and naive, pop culture with its increasing pornification is grooming young people for sexual sin and sexual assault.”
* – In the years since the Michael Spencer interview, I have had the privilege of getting to know Mark and Grace personally and ironically Mark’s advice has helped me to fine tune (and even change) some of the opinions on church ministry I expressed in that interview.
Resources
Buy this book on Amazon.com
Review of “The Meaning of Marriage,” by Timothy and Kathy Keller
Nov 30, 2011 1 Corinthians, Book Reviews
Last weekend at Riv, I quoted from three fantastic books on the topic of marriage. I have already reviewed one of the books (Sheet Music by Kevin Leman) and I will review another (Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll) next Wednesday. Today’s review is of The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God
The Meaning of Marriage Trailer from Redeemer City to City on Vimeo.
Overview
There’s nothing in the Bible about how schools should be run, even though they are crucial to a flourishing society. There’s nothing there about business corporations or museums or hospitals. In fact, there are all sorts of great institutions and human enterprises that the Bible doesn’t address or regulate. And so we are free to invent them and operate them in line with the general principles for human life that the Bible gives us. But marriage is different…At the climax of the Genesis account of creation we see God bringing a woman and a man together to unite them in marriage. The Bible begins with a wedding (of Adam and Eve) and ends in the book of Revelation with a wedding (of Christ and the church). Marriage is God’s idea.
With these words, the Kellers dive into a book rich with historical perspective, Biblical fidelity, and a practical understanding of our culture’s view of marriage. If I were to hand this book to a couple to read, it would be with the words, “this is why we have marriage.” The Kellers mince no words when they discuss God’s high view and standards for marriage. But their words don’t come across as naive; instead, they are full of the recognition that “marriage is glorious but hard. It’s a burning joy and strength, and yet it is also blood, sweat, and tears, humbling defeats and exhausting victories.”
What did I like most about the book?
This book is absolutely saturated with the Gospel. It practically leaks with the understanding that we are unable to save ourselves (and therefore build or sustain a godly marriage) but that our victory and the hope of marriages rests in the person and work of Jesus. I have often commented that I don’t know how non-Christians stay together in marriage; this book gave me a deeper understanding that the Gospel gives us more than an ability to stay together, but an ability to thrive together.
Would I recommend the book?
Unreservedly and passionately.
Key Quotes
I’ve heard them say over and over, “Love shouldn’t be this hard; it should come naturally.” In response, I always say something like, “Why believe that? Would someone who wants to play professional baseball say, ‘It shouldn’t be so hard to hit a fastball?’ Would someone who wants to write the greatest American novel of her generation say, ‘It shouldn’t be hard to create believable characters and compelling narrative?’”
“Whether we are husband or wife, we are not to live for ourselves but for the other. And that is the hardest yet single most important function of being a husband or a wife in marriage.”
“If two spouses each say, ‘I’m going to treat my self-centeredness as the main problem in the marriage,’ you have the prospect of a truly great marriage.”
Mating Rituals
Nov 28, 2011 1 Corinthians
This past weekend at Riv, we talked about Marriage and Divorce. For some reason, I find this video quite inspiring and it fit well with what we covered.
Enjoy!
Messy
Aug 11, 2009 Uncategorized Hodge Podge
This past weekend at Riv, we talked about the temptation of Jesus in the Wilderness at the start of his public ministry here on earth. For those of you who haven’t watched the message yet, beware this post comes with spoilers (seems weird to say that about a sermon).
The bottom line of my message was that each of Satan’s temptations were really asking Jesus the question,
“Do you REALLY believe that God’s plan is the best plan?”
I then gave a few examples where we may be tempted to think our plan is better than God’s. The two that have spurred the most conversation are Sex Before Marriage / Shacking Up and Divorce. I picked these two because they are both big issues with people at Riv. And as I chat with people who are facing the issues, I always get the same response: “But MY situation is unique.” In other words, God’s standard can’t possibly be the same for me as it is for everyone else…I have extenuating circumstances.
The response from the message has been huge, and I am reminded how messy sin makes our lives. Here’s a sampling of the people I have had dialogue with:
- An unmarried woman who has two children and is living with the kids’ dad.
- A man who is living with his pregnant girlfriend and he just became a Christian.
- A Christian woman who is living with her non-Christian boyfriend.
- A man going through a divorce he doesn’t want while he takes care of his young child.
- A couple who were on the edge of divorce and are now trying to reconcile / rebuild their marriage.
- A single woman who is rebuilding her life after an affair with a married man.
Wow. Each of these situations is so very unique. The people involved range from their early-20s to early-50s. Some are single, some are married. Some are Christians, some are not. If there is one way to describe all of this it’s: Messy.
Is there no better picture of why we need Jesus? Our lives are a mess because of sin.
Is there no better picture of how awesome it is that we have a God who has faced temptation? We can lean on him and trust him to understand.
Is there no better picture of how huge and amazing and all-encompasing his love is? “But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation.” – Romans 5:8-9
If you have placed your faith in Jesus, you have already been made right with God. You are free from condemnation. Let that sink in. Yes, your life is a mess. But let God work on you. Trust him that his plan is really the best plan for you and start taking steps in a new direction. It’s gonna stay messy for awhile, but that’s OK, Jesus understands.
