Dialogue
Sep 29, 2004 Print This Post
{ MOOD: Decent | TIVO: Ironically, “Queer Eye for a Straight Guy }
Today, I was reading my friend Aaron’s blog and I came across a post about Christians, homosexuality, etc. This spurred a great and ongoing dialogue between the two of us today.
If you want to read his post and our email dialogue (and I encourage you to do so)…continue reading by clicking on this:
First, read Aaron’s original post here.
Now, here is our discussion:
11:31 a.m. Letter from Noel to Aaron
I really liked the post you just put up on your site. I have this complete disgust toward Fred Phelps and his God Hates Fags crap. I would love to reprint your post on my site (with our without a link to yoursyour call) to remind Christians not to be jerks. However, I wanted to get your permission, because I know this is a personal thing for you.
Thanks for your honesty on this stuff.
I appreciate you.
N.
2:15 p.m. Aaron’s reply at 3:04 p.m.
Of course, Noel, its fine to reprint that post. (Thanks
for asking.) I wish it were better, though. Ive tried many
times, but havent yet been able to succinctly write my
thoughts on this subject matter. Its too complicated, and
yeah, personal. Its very frustrating. That person who told
me we couldnt be friends was from (my former church) he was someone I
had been nothing but honest with and who I had loved through
all his struggles and who I had encouraged no matter what. I
had to pretty much cut off ties to that church because I
knew my relationships would change I wouldnt be talked
to in the same matter or approached in the same way. Id
gone from being one of us to one of them who needs help
or one of them whos lost and well pray for and hopefully
hell eventually return.
My face still burns and I still get choked up when I think
of a conversation you and I had at Lou & Harrys once (isnt
that the name of that place?). I had just written an e-mail
to a person in the church who had been very open about
alcoholism. I responded saying I appreciated his openness,
because I, too, had tried to be open about my struggles with
another taboo subject homosexuality. He became offended
and passed my message along to a church leader, without telling me.
The leader through you suggested I was hitting on the
guy. It was one of the most hurtful things Ive ever heard.
Since I moved here Ive been attending a church that is part
of the Metropolitan Community of Churches. Basically, its a
gay church. The one in Minneapolis has 300 members. Most of
its members are people who grew up in other churches -
Lutheran or Catholic or Baptist or non-denominational. They
werent welcome in their church. They strongly believed in
God and Christ, but heard messages condemning homosexuality.
Many, like me, tried to change through ministries like
Exodus International. One of my friends here was heavily
involved with the GCM church here in Minneapolis. In fact,
he was at the same national conference I was at in Columbus
several years ago. When he came out, his former friends made
him feel very unwelcome. He is still very hurt by that,
though he rarely speaks of it.
Another good friend of mine here was involved in a local
ex-gay ministry and had several conversations on the topic
with the pastor here. Those conversations with the pastor deeply
hurt my friend, and he is still very angry.
There is such a delicate balance. You, as a church,
do not believe homosexuality is right. But you dont want to
be rude or hurtful. You want to welcome. But the problem is,
gays will never feel welcome in your church. Why would they?
They know you dont agree with part of what makes up their
very identity. (It is not a mere difference of opinions, it
is a difference in the paradigm through which we view
ourselves, the world and God.) So you tell your members to
be nice to gays love them, be tolerant of them. But its
always them. They are not one of us. And while a few of
you may have a deep enough understanding of how to truly
love someone (you, Noel, are one of them), youre trying to
teach a lot of people who oversimplify matters,
over-evangelize, and dont understand subtleties. Those
friendly Christians reach out to gays, but its clearly with
the attitude that says, We are loving you because we are
supposed to, but really we want you to change. And if you do
change, our friends will be jealous of how good we are as
Christians. So change already. Whats missing is respect
and validation of the other person AS THEY ARE.
And, in the same fashion but reversed, gay people despise
the church they make fun of it and reject it and ignore
it and defecate on religious dogma. Most comes from hurt.
Noel, I cant even tell you how much hurt Ive seen in this
community that was caused by parents who rejected their gay
children by citing Gods will. My friend (Matt) cant even
think of church or discuss it without getting so upset that
he cant speak. We have become cynical and closed toward
faith in general. Not because we are immoral or unwilling to
believe in God, but because weve been taught that God wont
accept us.
How (or if) to fix all that is a major dilemma for
Christians, as well as for gay people both gay people who
have no respect for those with religious faith, as well as
those who deeply want to believe in God and to be welcomed
(and treated equally) in a church.
I want very much to open the dialogue on this topic. There
are too many people who have been, and are now being, hurt.
Obviously, the church isnt going to change its opinion on
homosexuality. But I have to believe there is some solution
that would allow everyone to respect each other, and for
people to make their own decision on issues of faith and
sexuality without feeling rejected by one side or the other.
Take care. I have deep appreciation for you, as well.
Aaron
Reply from Noel, sent at 3:26 p.m.
Thanks, Aaron. You described very well the struggle we face as a church.
You have also described very well the Us vs. Them battle that happens on a
great many fronts. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Think of
all the battle lines that people on the issues of politics and abortion and
sexuality and **INSERT HOTBED ISSUE HERE**.
The struggle I see is that these issues are so very very personal. For
instance, on the topic of abortion. It is intensely personal for someone
who has had one, as well as someone who has had someone close to them have one. It is intensely personal for others as well. People who grew up with
a hyper-negative attitude toward those who hold different positions, as well
as those who hold strong (ostensibly loving) convictions (achieved through
an honest examination of the issues) often find it hard to be in dialog.
The trick is to not be wishy-washy on what you believe, and yet to not let
your attitude be negative toward those who think differently. Especially on
such heartfelt and personal issues. It seems to me the fence-line is having
conviction but not dogmatism, if that makes sense. Because it is arrogant
for me to believe I am right on everything, and it is also shallow of me to
not take a stand on anything.
The thing I appreciate about you, Aaron, is that you and I can disagree on
this intensely personal issue and still be friends. I am looking forward to
the next time I am in Minneapolis so we can tea. :)
**********
So why did I post all of this?
Because Aaron and I disagree on a very personal issue, and yet we remain friends. I just marveled at his great attitude throughout the entire discourse. Especially considering the hurts he encountered (some of them at Riverview). And, yes, I was one of the pastors who discouraged him from dating the guy he referred to. I know for both him and the guy he broke up with that was a very difficult thing.
So here we stand, divided on opinion, but respecting and caring for each other. I appreciate Aaron a ton and have missed him a lot since he moved and hopefully, we will be able to hang out again sometime when we land in the same cities.
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