NoelHeikkinen.com

Thanks for your honesty on this stuff.

I appreciate you.

My face still burns and I still get choked up when I think
of a conversation you and I had at Lou & Harry’s once (isn’t
that the name of that place?). I had just written an e-mail
to a person in the church who had been very open about
alcoholism. I responded saying I appreciated his openness,
because I, too, had tried to be open about my struggles with
another “taboo” subject — homosexuality. He became offended
and passed my message along to a church leader, without telling me.
The leader — through you — suggested I was hitting on the
guy. It was one of the most hurtful things I’ve ever heard.

Since I moved here I’ve been attending a church that is part
of the Metropolitan Community of Churches. Basically, it’s a
gay church. The one in Minneapolis has 300 members. Most of
its members are people who grew up in other churches -
Lutheran or Catholic or Baptist or non-denominational. They
weren’t welcome in their church. They strongly believed in
God and Christ, but heard messages condemning homosexuality.
Many, like me, tried to change through ministries like
Exodus International. One of my friends here was heavily
involved with the GCM church here in Minneapolis. In fact,
he was at the same national conference I was at in Columbus
several years ago. When he came out, his former friends made
him feel very unwelcome. He is still very hurt by that,
though he rarely speaks of it.

Another good friend of mine here was involved in a local
ex-gay ministry and had several conversations on the topic
with the pastor here. Those conversations with the pastor deeply
hurt my friend, and he is still very angry.

There is such a delicate balance. You, as a church,
do not believe homosexuality is right. But you don’t want to
be rude or hurtful. You want to welcome. But the problem is,
gays will never feel welcome in your church. Why would they?
They know you don’t agree with part of what makes up their
very identity. (It is not a mere difference of opinions, it
is a difference in the paradigm through which we view
ourselves, the world and God.) So you tell your members to
be nice to gays — love them, be tolerant of them. But it’s
always “them.” They are not one of “us.” And while a few of
you may have a deep enough understanding of how to truly
love someone (you, Noel, are one of them), you’re trying to
teach a lot of people who oversimplify matters,
over-evangelize, and don’t understand subtleties. Those
friendly Christians reach out to gays, but it’s clearly with
the attitude that says, “We are ‘loving’ you because we are
supposed to, but really we want you to change. And if you do
change, our friends will be jealous of how good we are as
Christians. So change already.” What’s missing is respect
and validation of the other person AS THEY ARE.

And, in the same fashion but reversed, gay people despise
the church — they make fun of it and reject it and ignore
it and defecate on religious dogma. Most comes from hurt.
Noel, I can’t even tell you how much hurt I’ve seen in this
community that was caused by parents who rejected their gay
children by citing “God’s will.” My friend (Matt) can’t even
think of church or discuss it without getting so upset that
he can’t speak. We have become cynical and closed toward
faith in general. Not because we are immoral or unwilling to
believe in God, but because we’ve been taught that God won’t
accept us.

How (or if) to fix all that is a major dilemma for
Christians, as well as for gay people — both gay people who
have no respect for those with religious faith, as well as
those who deeply want to believe in God and to be welcomed
(and treated equally) in a church.

I want very much to open the dialogue on this topic. There
are too many people who have been, and are now being, hurt.
Obviously, the church isn’t going to change its opinion on
homosexuality. But I have to believe there is some solution
that would allow everyone to respect each other, and for
people to make their own decision on issues of faith and
sexuality without feeling rejected by one side or the other.

Take care. I have deep appreciation for you, as well.

The struggle I see is that these issues are so very very personal. For
instance, on the topic of abortion. It is intensely personal for someone
who has had one, as well as someone who has had someone close to them have one. It is intensely personal for others as well. People who grew up with
a hyper-negative attitude toward those who hold different positions, as well
as those who hold strong (ostensibly loving) convictions (achieved through
an honest examination of the issues) often find it hard to be in dialog.

The trick is to not be wishy-washy on what you believe, and yet to not let
your attitude be negative toward those who think differently. Especially on
such heartfelt and personal issues. It seems to me the fence-line is having
conviction but not dogmatism, if that makes sense. Because it is arrogant
for me to believe I am right on everything, and it is also shallow of me to
not take a stand on anything.